New book claims all women want to be ‘daddy’s girl’
By Laura Donovan
Women have risen economically, professionally and academically since the 70s, but these accomplishments don’t substitute for a father’s love.
Dr. Peggy Drexler, an assistant professor of psychology at Cornell University’s Weill Medical College, has just released her new book, “Our Fathers, Ourselves,” which attests that father-daughter relationships remain a crucial part of development for girls.
Of the 75 women Dr. Drexler interviewed, the research psychologist wrote, “No matter how successful they were or how much they had achieved, and no matter how content they were in their own marriages and the families they had formed, they still wanted and in some cases hungered for their fathers’ love and approval.”
As a woman who became fatherless at age three when her dad died of a heart attack, Dr. Drexler was intrigued by the concept of father-daughter bonds. Dr. Drexler explained to The Daily Caller that a woman would still seek her father’s approval even if he was abusive, negligent, out of her life or deceased.
When asked how a fatherless female could seek her non-existent dad’s approval, Dr. Drexler told TheDC, “I believe a maternal and paternal image is hardwired into our unconscious and in that sense primal. Paternal experiences need not be with a live-in father. Grandfathers, god fathers (or their equivalent), uncles, family friends, coaches, teachers and caretakers can and do provide figures for play, mentoring, loving, sharing childhood fantasies, and imparting meaning and experience in relating to men.”
Though her father was gone for much of her upbringing, Dr. Drexler says this didn’t affect how she connected with males.
“I have never had a problem relating to men,” Dr. Drexler told TheDC. “I can’t say I always understand them. But that’s a big club.”
This wasn’t the case for all the women Dr. Drexler interviewed, however.
“A father is the first man in a daughter’s life; her introduction into the world of men, her learning experience,” Dr. Drexler told TheDC. “Some women in my study who grew up without fathers or had bad relationships with their fathers report an unease with men – even with casual relationships and banter at work. Is that a deep-seated emotional issue, or is it just missing out on some formative experiences? It’s impossible to generalize.”
Penny Nance, CEO of Concerned Women for America, told TheDC that a father’s presence is necessary for young girls.
“Social Science and personal experience clearly illustrates that fathers are essential to the health of their daughters,” Nance told TheDC. “Whether it is protecting them from becoming a victim of crime to emotional security to a healthy self image, daddies matter. Radical feminism tried to dismiss this fact and ended up looking foolish.”
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Being a father, especially of a daughter, is not easy. I can only pray that I do good and not damage.
“Paternal experiences need not be with a live-in father. Grandfathers, god fathers (or their equivalent), uncles, family friends, coaches, teachers and caretakers can and do provide figures for play, mentoring, loving, sharing childhood fantasies, and imparting meaning and experience in relating to men.”
YES. I thank God for the men in my life who served as surrogate fathers to me. My own father was an abusive evangelical/fundamentalist preacher and my mother divorced him when I was 17 (not soon enough). If I hadn’t had the fathers and grandfathers of my close friends as loving substitutes, I’d probably hate men.
This statement also shows that a father in the home is not necessary for the success of a child. In my case, our family would have been better off without our father in the home. Children can have excellent male role models in the form of uncles, grandfathers, and family friends. Our own little girl has an “uncle” (close family friend) who serves as her father figure.
Maybe not having had a good father in your home contributed to you getting pregnant as a teenager and becoming bisexual.
I’d like to see a larger study before we throw around that ALL women want to be “daddy’s girl” (I really, really hate that term, it makes me think of those spoiled brats whose parents buy them everything and throws a tantrum if they don’t) And i think there’s an important distinction that it doesn’t necessarily need to be a bio-dad (afterall, some of them die, and some of them suck). But really, is anyone (anymore) saying that kids should have both positive mother and father figures?
That said, I don’t think the idea that people want parental approval is that far out there. In fact, I’d say thats pretty common.
My own father’s love for me and fidelity to my mother are incalculably precious, as is the love of my husband for me, and for the good example he sets to our children. Our daughters will know what kind of husband to choose, because of the love of their father and grandfathers. Our sons will know how to treat their wives, because they will have seen that kindness and faithfulness demonstrated every day of their lives. I’ll tell them not to settle for less. Seeing the physical features of their father and grandfathers, mother and grandmothers mirrored in their faces is some of the fruit of our marriage union. Their own posterity will be able to look back at both sides of their family tree, and see a legacy of good and faithful marriages. Hopefully they will leave the same legacy to their own posterity.
There is simply no greater message of love an adult can send to a child, than to stay with the child and raise the child. What does it say to a child to create the child, and then abandon it? Children need both their mother and father. No other message of love is more powerful, than fidelity.
@James
James, I will grant you the argument that I may not have become pregnant as a teen if I had enjoyed a good and decent father in the home. Of course, we will never know for certain. However, I am sure that there are teenaged girls who get pregnant even when there is a good father in the home.
Nevertheless, I cannot agree with you that the absence of a good father caused me to become bisexual. I was bisexual from my earliest memories, I just didn’t understand it or have the word for it until I was much older. But I knew that I liked some girls just as much as I liked some boys and in the same type of way. It was just more socially acceptable to date boys, and I was raised in a fundamentalist/evangelical church that taught the lie that gay people would burn in hell for eternity. Coming out of that type of judgmental brainwashing and abuse was one of the hardest things that I ever did, but the God that I know in my heart caused the scales to fall off of my eyes and helped me to “see the light.” Incidentally, my other four siblings, including two sisters, are all straight and they experienced the same environment that I did.
So it wasn’t until I met the love of my life six years ago that I actually dated a woman and fell in love with her. When we met, it was like we had always known each other. I have never fallen in love so deeply and contentedly. I met my perfect match and am committed to her for the rest of my life, regardless of what some of the world may think about it. I only hope that some day I may legally marry her and publically celebrate that commitment with my family and friends.
@Heidi You keep referring to your father and the church you were raised in as “fundamentalist/evangelical” and yet what you describe is neither because it is unbiblical. Perhaps that was part of the problem.
However, believing that you had other than normal sexual desires not of your own choice, still does not mean you have to act on those desires, knowing in your heart that those desires are indeed wrong because of human biology, if for no other reason.
The true “fundamental/evangelical” position is not that homophiles will burn in hell for eternity, rather it is ANYONE who has not accepted the salvation in Christ will burn in hell for eternity. It isn’t limited to unrepentant homophiles.
“However, believing that you had other than normal sexual desires not of your own choice, still does not mean you have to act on those desires, knowing in your heart that those desires are indeed wrong because of human biology, if for no other reason.”
But Glenn, I know in my heart that my relationship and my desires within that relationship are perfectly right. I know that both my partner and I were made beautifully in the image of God. I am truly sorry that you cannot see that, and I mean that with every ounce of my being. It saddens me that people who believe in God cannot see the intrinsic worth of every human being, including their sexual orientation. I am not afraid of burning in hell. I don’t even believe in hell. Those may be YOUR religious beliefs, but they will not dictate my life. As for my religious background being “unbiblical,” I can assure you that the Bible (and the narrow interpretation favored by my church) was shoved down my throat from my earliest years. I know my scripture very well. From your comments on this blog, I don’t see any difference in what you believe and what I was brainwashed into believing until I was old enough to think for myself. Nevertheless, I am quite content with my relationship with God and I am thankful that I can see the beauty in His creation, which includes LGBT people.
“The true “fundamental/evangelical” position is not that homophiles will burn in hell for eternity, rather it is ANYONE who has not accepted the salvation in Christ will burn in hell for eternity. It isn’t limited to unrepentant homophiles.”
I know what the fundamentalist/evangelical position is. Everyone who doesn’t believe as you do will burn in hell. Is it fear that motivates your belief system? That is truly devastating. I believe in the God of love.
Heidi, your sisters have different personalities and temperaments, as well as ages and amount of exposure to your father. Every child in your home growing up would be affected differently. I know two people who are lesbians. They definitely grew up in a home where the father treated them unnaturally. It was not surprising to see them become lesbians. One of the girls had an older sister who is straight. I still blame the girls’ father and his treatment of her for why she became a lesbian.
@James
Not to jump in but, doesn’t the existence of lesbians with healthy relationships with their fathers blow that theory of yours up?
Besides. If we’re going on the idea that bad fathers cause lesbians, it doesn’t add up enough to be a huge uh, effect. if there’s 157,967,429 women in the states, and somewhere between 2-5% of them are gay, (for sake of argument, three percent) thats 4, 769, 023 (roughly, perhaps high, because i’m using every female 0-whatever 2010 census) However, 1 in 4 girls will be sexually abused before the age of 18. Now then, statistics on fathers abusing children are much harder to come by, but 30-40% of all child sexual abuse is from a family member, and usually male. If 1 in 4 are abused, and (we’ll use 35% here) are abused by a family member, that would be 13, 822, 150 potential lesbians. If abuse leads to lesbianism, there should be a helluva lot more lesbians around.
(I’m sure there are some women who in fact, choose to partner with women due to a fear of men or other form of misandry, I just don’t feel there’s enough of them to justify a stereotype)