Ruth Institute Blog

Submissive wives, sacrificing husbands, is a model that really works.

Mary Cooney

Last week I had to call the exterminator as we have mice in the house. Seeing the big dinner I was preparing (to celebrate a special feastday) he asked me if I was Filipino. According to him, Filipinos, Hispanics and Ethiopians make the best wives since they know their place and how to treat their husbands right. He then went on to denounce his own culture (African American), where the women have become too Europeanized, engaging in a power-struggle with men, and where marriages and families almost always end up broken or dysfunctional.

This disillusioned man would have been amazed to learn about a certain European woman and her book of advice to newlyweds of her own sex. I was astonished myself when, only the following day, I read about Costanza Miriano’s “Marry and Submit to Him”, but in a positive way. Frankly, I found it refreshing. Her advice to her old college roommate is witty and entertaining, with a delightful candidness that one can only find in a letter to an old-time friend. Perhaps this is what gives her message of submission, albeit a provocative one, such a strong voice.

Judging from the excerpts available in English (and I’d love to see the frenzy if her books were published in the Anglo world, where even the idea of them has caused a stir) she also displays much practical wisdom, especially regarding men’s natural tendencies, and a profound understanding of the traditional Christian teaching on marriage based on Paul’s controversial words, “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands.”

My father loves to argue about controversial issues, but even he dared not tackle Paul’s words when he gave a speech at our wedding. Perhaps he did not want wedding cake to be thrown at him, or he did not want to incur the wrath of his in-laws. But what he did say at our wedding was a bit of a twist on the apostle’s advice. He said, “Marriage is a vocation of service. Mary, you will be the servant of your children. Chris, you will be the servant of Mary”.

I was thinking about this as I was running around preparing lunch for my kids, fetching my two-year-old’s pacifiers and preparing her milk, and cleaning up a mess my four-year-old had made in the bathroom. Truly, I am my children’s servant. But service and authority are two sides of the same coin. It is through my service that I have authority over my children. They must obey me and submit to me, whether or not they wish to. Of course I try to make obedience easy for them with love, respect and cheerfulness. But nonetheless, they must still obey.

No one seems to have a problem with the idea of children submitting to their parents. At least, adults don’t. (Children and teens sometimes do, but I do believe that rebellion can be abated when the children understand that their parents’ directives are made in love, and are meant for the child’s well-being.) Almost universally, parents realize that children ought to obey. And when children are habitually disobedient, the ramifications are often disastrous, creating great tensions in the relationship between the child and parents.

And I doubt most women, even the most liberal feminist, would have a problem with the idea of the husband being the servant of the wife. And yet, through his service and his daily work done for the family, the husband has a certain authority over the wife. And vice-versa. In my service to my husband, I gain a certain authority over him. The problem is, many women willingly admit their authority over their children and husband, but cringe when it comes to submitting to their husband’s authority. And this leads to great tensions on the relationship between spouses.

Service and authority — they are indeed two sides of the same coin. Yet, isn’t it better to focus on service, which so often means submission? Of course it’s not easy. It takes so much more humility, maturity, and generosity to choose to serve rather than be served. It takes strength of will to say “no” to our own desires, and “yes” to another’s. It takes courage to trust in the face of doubts. The submissive wife is not a simpering, weak, insecure doormat. She is a daring and resilient woman, ready to serve those whom she loves.

Consider Mother Teresa. “But she was not married!” you say. In her mind, she was. Mother Theresa espoused the poorest of the poor. And if you think it is hard at times to serve your husband, try cleaning the wounds of an abandoned leper, or cleaning the toilets at an orphanage for the handicapped day after day. All Mother Teresa sought was to love and serve the destitute and the dying. Yet it was through this very humble, and what some might consider degrading service that she came to a position of world-wide influence and acclaim, and won the hearts of millions of people.

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